just a memory.

As I sit here at incheon Airport, my experience in Vietnam now only exists as a memory. No longer will I be able to sit on my Silver Honda Wave motorbike and ride through the streets of Hanoi at night with a pack of my friends on their Honda Waves. No longer will I be able to walk down the street and eat the delicacy of street foods in Com Sinh Vien. No longer will I be able to sit at the corner alley and sip on a cup of Tra Da. No longer will I be able to dance hideously with my friends at the toilet pub, and no longer will I be able to breath the fresh Vietnam air. Although I am not that emotional, as I sit here and write about how I will no longer be able to do these things, my eyes are in fact tearing up. It was on the plane ride here to Incheon where I just sat and remember every good memory, and also bad memory I had of Hanoi, and other parts of Vietnam. I did not want to be on the airplane heading back to America. I wanted to be in Vietnam for a couple of more days, spending it with good friends and good company before I re-enter the life of monotony. That is what awaits me back home.

The concluding days I spent in Vietnam were in Saigon. I hung out with my good friend Julie Nguyen, and my cousin Hao for most of the time. I also spent time with my friend Phuong who is a Saigon local, and also a Viet Kieu like myself, Khanh who is back after studying abroad with CIEE last semester. Chris Minh and Shane were also in town and we spent a little time with them. During this time, it was hard to just enjoy the moment for just the moment. Each time we spent time together, the thought of this soon coming to an end would always accompany the good company. Helpless thoughts. I couldn’t make my trip longer. It was going to come to an end, and now it has. But now that I sit here and of course am quite depressed about the entire situation, I am glad to look back this life changing experience as one of the best experiences of my life thus far. I cannot complain one bit about anything. I have met spectacular people that I hope to see very soon in the near future, and have forged a love for Vietnam. It is an experience to remember forever.

This notion of “reverse-culture shock”, as I initially laughed at during my time in Vietnam, I believe is right on my tail. Living nearly 6 months in a country, and you will begin to get used to how life is there. Nearly 6 months in Vietnam and I have become accustomed to the ways of Vietnam life. My necessities are different now than they were 6 months ago. Living in a third world country, you begin to appreciate things more. Going back to the U.S. I may have so much more means to do things, so much more things at my leisure, but really, to me, it does not matter too much anymore. I’d rather eat some street food for 5,000 D than go to a buffet in the states. Who really needs a buffet? The luxurious life of the states no longer really appeals to me, and was on the downfall as I left Vietnam anyways. As I see it, reverse-culture shock is more prominent in those who are Vietnamese-American–with this experience that is. Many of my friends expressed how much they will miss Vietnam and everything about it. My friend Kevin cried for 3 hours on the plane on his trip back to the States. Vietnam really does leave a huge imprint on one who has a strong connection to the country. My forecast for the next couple of months will appear grim and mostly grey. How I will deal with that? Most likely try to reach out and make friends with Vietnamese international students who are studying in the U.S. Talk to my friends who I studied with in Vietnam and those who share the same feeling as I do about Vietnam. I feel that only these two things will helpful. People at home I do not think will be able to understand at all what I’m going through. My friends back at home cannot help me with this. My family cannot either. It really sucks even thinking about this reverse culture shock shit, but I suppose its good to expect the worst.

Vietnam, I will miss you. Every amazing person I have met in Vietnam, I will miss you most. Goodbye Vietnam!

Another blog will be created upon my return for my life back in Chicago.

Until next time,

Tran, Quy-Hac.

My new blog is:
http://tranquyhac.wordpress.com

conclusion.

This past week, finals consumed most of my time. Now it is Saturday and EAP/CIEE just had their award/goodbye luncheon with all the people involved with our study abroad programs. It really hit me today at the lunch that this entire experience is officially over. It somewhat tore me up inside and somewhat depresses me that I will most likely not see a lot of these people again. The past four months, I have been able to befriend people of quite different backgrounds. What study does for you is force you to be with people on a continuous basis. You do not choose if you’ll be around them or not. Even if these people are not the types of people you would generally befriend, because of the situation, you start to really get to know them and understand them. As what has happened for the past four months, I have been able to meet some amazing individuals who shared quite a similar experience to mine. It is bitter sweet. I do not want for it to end, but it must end, and I will look back on it and see the joys we all shared.

As I sit here and write about my growing depression, this of idea of who I am is popping up. How has Vietnam changed me? Before coming here, I went through a phase of denying my American culture, and had great desires to become more “Vietnamese”. After spending some time here, it has definitely helped identify with myself in a different way. The life and customs and interactions with those in Vietnam have allowed me to understand that I can never really be a native Vietnamese. Now I realize how American I am after spending close to six month total in Vietnam. But this fact does not mean I leave my Vietnamese in the dust. By being here, I have learned so much more about my culture, improved my language skills, and been able to interact, and build relationships with my brothers and sisters. I am not the same person I was 5.5 months ago. I can say that Vietnam has changed me completely. My entire outlook in life. The way of thinking, and just being more open to different perspectives and opinions. I never expected such a huge change, but such suprises are always the best. Although I was born in Chicago and lived my entire life in the States, my heart truly does lie in Vietnam. Despite all the mumbo jumbo from certain Viet Kieu people about Vietnam’s politics, it has no affect on how I perceive Vietnam.

I view such experiences as somewhat like a photograph. At the moment when the image is captured, we experience great, joyful things, which can be seen by the smiles on our faces. But after that very second, it is over, and the only thing that exists of that moment is the image, the picture. For my study abroad experience, it can somewhat be described as such. It has officially concluded and these experiences we’ve shared, in time, will never exist again. But through the photograph of our memories, it will always be with us.

In all honesty, studying in Vietnam has changed my life in more than one way, and I want to thank everyone who has supported me, befriended me, taught me, guided me throughout these times of self-exploration and journey of understanding more of my motherland.

Until next time. (i feel as if i’m going to shed tears writing this, there is no next time!)

Trần Qúy Hạc.

P.S. I am in South Vietnam and Cambodia for 10 days total, so I will update about that in one final post. Goodbye wordpress blog, and goodbye Vietnam!

cornered.

New Century, a nightclub here in Hanoi is known to be populated by what Vietnamese people refer to as Ca Ve, or prostitutes.  Today, CIEE as an entirety took a trip to New Century in hopes of paying prostitutes for their time to talk about their line of work and the impacts of society in their choices of such a path.  In the light of prostitution, the workers are always shunned down upon, and deemed immoral.  My initial thoughts paralleled the general consensus and I also believed that there is always a choice not to choose such an immoral, shameless path.  But these thoughts and beliefs rooted from the society’s general conception of what prostitution is and the occupation’s workers.  Prior to this quite remarkable, mind bobbling confrontation, never have I spoken with a prostitute.

Three women in their 20s agreed to be paid their general fee for customers to speak to the entire group about their line of work.  It definitely takes courage to be able to speak openly about a work they consider as not moral by any means.  I have to give it to them there for being that brave to agree to such a confrontation.  Vietnam, as a developing nation, has many inequities which force people to resort to lines of work they might not find preferential to them just to earn a buck or two to put food on the table, to pay for a roof above their head, and clothes on their body.  Most of these individuals who are cornered against the wall work extremely low paying jobs such as garbage pickers, xe om drivers, or other unregulated jobs.  Working such low paying jobs can barely allow a family of two or more to survive.  It is quite difficult to be living by unregulated unstable wages.  Thus arises the question, should women who face such a consequence and choose the path of prostitution be immediately Scarlet Lettered by society?  Of course the line of work, in my own view, is unethical and other jobs can be done to support the family.  I personally respect humans more who will work the garbage picker jobs and struggle much more with income than a one who takes an unethical way out, but it is a very hard situation to judge.  I am a privileged Vietnamese-American and probably can never grasp the toils of these women.  What I must look at is the bigger picture:  the extremely large economic gap between the rich and poor and the unequal opportunities of those who do not have the means to produce a bright future.  After taking that into consideration, and through the conversations with these women, a much different perspective has opened my eyes to the societal situation of women, economy, and prostitution.

Yen, Lan Anh, and the third who’s name I cannot remember all resort to prostitution in order to support their child out of wedlock.  The father of their child has left them and money is the key issue.  All three expressed that they choose this line of work to support their child and secure a financial stable future for their child.   They stated that there was no other choice if they wanted to support their family, so they resort to this type of work.  The one whose name I cannot remember seemed somewhat indirectly defensive on the issue of character and morals; that she still possessed them despite her forced line of work.  I cannot speak on the behalf of others, but for me, the issue that arises is if one can still maintain positive character after working such a job?  To me it seemed that there was absolutely no shame whatsoever that they were selling their bodies to men.  But I definitely sympathized with them.  But to go back to the question of maintaining character and working such a line of work, is it possible?  I really cannot answer that.

Continuing working as a Ca Ve seemed like a temporary job until enough capital is gained to secure a sound future for them and their child.  They adamantly expressed that they do not enjoy selling their bodies for money, and in the future, will never let their child know what they did.  Through such answers, it seems to me that they truly do believe that prostitution is not an ethical route to take but due to the economic inequalities of Vietnam, that’s the route that has been chosen.  A few of the other CIEE students asked quite interesting questions.  They follow, as to how precise my memory is I am not 100%.

1.  Have you ever fallen in love with a customer?

A mixed response.  From one, she stated yes.  The other no.  I was quite shocked when one said she had fallen in love with one of her customers.  I thought it was quite ridiculous that one can fall in love with a man who is paying and using them for sexual necessities.  But after pondering on the topic for some time, I could understand why one might fall for their customers.  It seemed that their relationship with men had not been a positive one, especially when they are left with a child out of wedlock to take care of on their own.  It is a possibility because of abuse, maltreatment, or bad relationship experiences have caused them to seek out comfort, kindness, and whoever is warm to them.  Thus, customers who in fact are kind to these women, perhaps they take this as something they’ve never experienced before and look beyond the actual service and exploitation of themselves for sex, and see this man who is treating them well as love.  My view does not necessarily coincide with this situation, but I am more understanding of the situation.

2.  Does your family know about what type of work you are doing and what are their reactions?  

Both parents know about their line of work, but other people within the family do not.  Many of the families are in the countryside, poverty-stricken and view making money as the most important issue, and not the possible consequences of prostitution.  

I just learned today, after typing this blog post in the last two days that two of the prostitutes could have been lying.  According to one of them, who spoke to a few of the fluent Vietnamese speakers, she stated that a lot of the things coming out of the mouths of the other two were complete fallacies.  I was quite shocked but at the same time could understand why they would lie.  Why would you reveal everything to a bunch of curious students?  But at the same time, perhaps the third was saying what she did just to not lose face.  But more than likely, I believe her.  According to her, the other two do in fact have a child at home, and one uses heroine.  I can sympathize with women who seem to be forced into this line of work, but not those who are forced into it and become addicted to heroine, a quite harmful drug to say the least.  If one has a child at home, use the money you make to support the child, not fucking shoot up. 

One of the other CIEE students made an interesting comment about perspective.  If you move away from the general cultural norms of sex as an attachment to intimacy or love, then you can understand perhaps why they do the work they do.  Perhaps they actually do not couple love and sex together and strictly views what they do as a job and a way of making money.  Because the U.S. views sex and love as a group, it is hard to attempt to even understand why prostitutes do the work they do.  Maybe we are in fact the fools looking down upon them because we are bound to such cultural views, and they are looking at us, laughing.  But of course, that’s just another perspective. 

 

Essentially, at the end of the entire process, my feelings are mixed.  What do you all think?

Until next time.

Tran, Quy-Hac.

 

beginning of the end.

It has been a little over four months since I first step foot in Vietnam.  July 16th, 2006 felt like yesterday.  I still remember meeting my mother’s distant relatives for the first time, eating extra amounts of food with them, and sipping on cafe den with Ong Loi.  I still remember the bustling city of Bangkok, where Hao, Matt, and I went to get bootleg DVDs and games.  I still remember the high-tech, environment friendly city of Singapore, and Jahore Bahru’s cheap malls with nice clothes stores.  As many people say, time really does fly by when one is enjoying life.  It is quite unbelievable that it has been over four months already, with only one month to go before I head home to my monotonous life.  In this early reflection of my journey here in Southeast Asia, there are many memorable moments that are filling up my thoughts.  Too many to have a clear thinking process, too many to list.  But I will list a few.

Family
meeting extended family for the first time was a nerve wrecking, yet highly anticipated event.  I remember when Hao and I landed to Than San Nhat Airport in Saigon/TPHCM, there were thousands of eyes looking at us as we were heading towards the doors.  Right before I walked through the door, there was a feeling of shock that overcame me.  What to expect?  These pathetic worries were short-lived.  Ong Loi’s family was warm welcoming towards the both of us and treated us like family, that’s because we are.  The transition to Vietnam was a breeze thanks to the guidance of them.  The relationships I’ve made with my family in the south will always be remembered and long-lasting as I do plan on returning to Vietnam in the near future.  Although we live thousands of miles away, there will always be a connection.

As for family here in Hanoi, my father’s brother, or my uncle, whichever is easier to comprehend, has always been quite receptive and open in the process of getting to know me.  His entire family has been warm towards me and treating me as if we have known each other forever.  This meeting with my uncle compared to my mother’s extended family was at a higher level of nervousness since he is my father’s direct brother, a much different kinship than that of distant relatives.  The last time my father has seen him was well over fifty years and I would be seeing him before my father would see him again.  Like my family in the South, my family here in the north is extremely kind to me and makes a grand effort for both of us to get to know each other.

Vietnam, its culture, and its people
One of my main aspirations for coming to study here was to discover my roots.  Vietnam for twenty years of my life existed in my mind as a distant far away land where my family fled due to political reasons.  With many Vietnamese Americans, the older generation that is, having been part of my life growing up, the notion of Vietnam overall was not a good one.  Many of the refugees of the 70’s left Vietnam because of Communism, causing them to view Vietnam in a negative way; as a chaotic jungle with a small group of people exploiting an entire country.   Vietnam was primitive.   I began to stray away from this image of Vietnam painted by others.  Many of who view the country as such has yet to even return.  What do they know of Vietnam today?  Nothing but speculation and assumptions.  I came here to find out what Vietnam is, what its culture is like, and to befriend the citizens.  Four months have passed and I have learned so many things about this country that I ever learned about in my entire life in the U.S.  I now am able to view the beauties of the country from which my ancestors derived, to truly understand what Vietnamese culture is, and perhaps have met some of the most spectacular individuals of my life here.  Vietnam is no longer a war-torn country.  It has moved on from the war and look towards the future.  The concepts and traditions of the country are now better understood, even though some I do have to say I disagree with.  And of course, the people.  They are extremely friendly.  Being a Vietnamese-American, I initially worried about the reactions or types of discriminations towards me for being a Viet Kieu coming to live in Vietnam for half a year.  These worries subsided quite quickly as I learned that Vietnamese people as a whole are extremely receptive and intrigued by Vietnamese Americans.  Of course, with positive, there are negative issues of these three I have been able to grasp likewise.  Vietnam is a communist country and some of the actions and consequences of course do not run parallel with my views and beliefs.  Service is often times terrible, people do not understand the concept of a line, and a few, but not all take advantage of Vietnamese Americans because they have money.  Despite these minute irrationalities, what I have so far learned from my time here about the country itself, its culture, and the people has been a beneficial one.

A less fast paced life
In the States, the fast paced life structures my routine.  I feel rushed, a need to get to places quickly, and finish things both efficiently and at a timely matter.  Of course, there are positive remarks to these points, but slowing down can be quite enjoyable.  The life in Vietnam is very less stressful I feel than it is in the States, where there is no time to relax, no time to enjoy life, but rather suffer for money.  Work dominates our lives in the States.  Often times, individuals have no time for their own family, which can be quite horrific.  My first week here in Vietnam it was quite visible that the people of Vietnam, although not possessing the same means and assets as those in the States, they may enjoy life more.  A vague claim indeed, but a strong opinion nonetheless.  But if one were to view this through the lens of traffic, my opinion may be challenged.  There just seems to be more individuals who take time to enjoy personal relationships with others than with their job.  It might just be that there is a higher level of unemployment here in Vietnam causing me to see so many people out on the streets enjoying themselves, but this assumption cannot be proven unless I ask, and I wish not to ask, thus my views of Vietnam being slower paced stands still. 

Friendships
Where to begin?  It is not always where one is that is important, but rather who one’s with.  But luckily for me, it is a coupling of both.  Being in Hanoi itself is a pleasure, but being in Hanoi with spectacular people is such beyond explanation.  The friendships forged here may remain here and end with the conclusion of the study abroad program.  When I think about it, it is quite sad that this may just occur.  But viewing the situation with the glass half full, what I’ve shared with these people here will always be a great memory for the both of us.  Even though we may be at different points in our lives, different locations, we can always look back on the five months we’ve spent together and a smile will come to our faces.  Contact may not be necessary but we share a connection that will last forever.  Corny it may sound, but it’s the wonders of such events.  I had a conversation with one of my friends from the UC program about a similar topic.  
The concept of creating miraculous memories from the fruitful interactions with one another, may it be one day or ten, such a situation can be reflected upon in the future as a beautiful one.   We can look back on the event and see how beautiful things really were.  Prolonging it may corrupt the image and the beauties blossomed.  She ascribed this philosophy to relationships with the other sex, whereas I apply it to friendships.  Repetitive as I may be, the wonders erected between those befriended and I will always be remembered. 

Until next time,

Tran Quy Hac.